The Good Reverend Doctor

On July 29th, 2008, the good Rev. Dr. Lyle Hillegas died after having battled stomach cancer for the last two years. I feel guilty because I did not stay in very good touch with him since he retired from leading my college ministry, Front PORCH. When I heard he was sick, I wanted to send a card , but didn't , because I couldn't think of anything to say besides "Don't Die", and I was also in denial.
I also feel guilty because one time I said to him, only semi-teasing : "You had better not ever became disabled, because you won't be able to get around in your own house!" I was angry because everyone kept telling me about Lyle's beautiful house and lush gardens, and I could not get around to see anything. Even though my logical mind knows I did not call forth or hasten Lyle's descent into disability, I still wish I had not said such a thing.
And I wonder if , in the midst of his descent, he ever thought of me. I respected Lyle very much , and loved him even. But I did not feel as close to him as perhaps some other PORCHers did. I feel my disability--my physical experience of the world -- was something that kept us distinctly more distant from one another. Sometimes I could see a struggle in his eyes, a struggle to know how to connect, but I was too "shy" to discuss the difficulty with him, so that we could move past it together.
The memorial service will be this Wednesday , August 13. It will most likely be a frustrating experience in terms of the physically-inaccessible space, but it is important for me to be there. Grief is a funny thing in that it happens in waves . Typical me , I wish grief were more hurdle or mountain-like , rather than this bumpy, undulating road or wave.
At least it is comforting to think that Lyle has been called Home, in God's Perfect Timing, and now participates in a procession thousands of times bigger than the one for his beloved British queen! :)