Thursday, December 18, 2008
Sunday, August 10, 2008
The Good Reverend Doctor
On July 29th, 2008, the good Rev. Dr. Lyle Hillegas died after having battled stomach cancer for the last two years. I feel guilty because I did not stay in very good touch with him since he retired from leading my college ministry, Front PORCH. When I heard he was sick, I wanted to send a card , but didn't , because I couldn't think of anything to say besides "Don't Die", and I was also in denial.
I also feel guilty because one time I said to him, only semi-teasing : "You had better not ever became disabled, because you won't be able to get around in your own house!" I was angry because everyone kept telling me about Lyle's beautiful house and lush gardens, and I could not get around to see anything. Even though my logical mind knows I did not call forth or hasten Lyle's descent into disability, I still wish I had not said such a thing.
And I wonder if , in the midst of his descent, he ever thought of me. I respected Lyle very much , and loved him even. But I did not feel as close to him as perhaps some other PORCHers did. I feel my disability--my physical experience of the world -- was something that kept us distinctly more distant from one another. Sometimes I could see a struggle in his eyes, a struggle to know how to connect, but I was too "shy" to discuss the difficulty with him, so that we could move past it together.
The memorial service will be this Wednesday , August 13. It will most likely be a frustrating experience in terms of the physically-inaccessible space, but it is important for me to be there. Grief is a funny thing in that it happens in waves . Typical me , I wish grief were more hurdle or mountain-like , rather than this bumpy, undulating road or wave.
At least it is comforting to think that Lyle has been called Home, in God's Perfect Timing, and now participates in a procession thousands of times bigger than the one for his beloved British queen! :)
I also feel guilty because one time I said to him, only semi-teasing : "You had better not ever became disabled, because you won't be able to get around in your own house!" I was angry because everyone kept telling me about Lyle's beautiful house and lush gardens, and I could not get around to see anything. Even though my logical mind knows I did not call forth or hasten Lyle's descent into disability, I still wish I had not said such a thing.
And I wonder if , in the midst of his descent, he ever thought of me. I respected Lyle very much , and loved him even. But I did not feel as close to him as perhaps some other PORCHers did. I feel my disability--my physical experience of the world -- was something that kept us distinctly more distant from one another. Sometimes I could see a struggle in his eyes, a struggle to know how to connect, but I was too "shy" to discuss the difficulty with him, so that we could move past it together.
The memorial service will be this Wednesday , August 13. It will most likely be a frustrating experience in terms of the physically-inaccessible space, but it is important for me to be there. Grief is a funny thing in that it happens in waves . Typical me , I wish grief were more hurdle or mountain-like , rather than this bumpy, undulating road or wave.
At least it is comforting to think that Lyle has been called Home, in God's Perfect Timing, and now participates in a procession thousands of times bigger than the one for his beloved British queen! :)
Monday, May 26, 2008
Memorial Day Blues
Well, I had many things I had hoped to do and many people I had hoped to see this extended weekend, but that all went Kaput , so I have been by myself and not much enjoying it. About three more weeks to go with the Various Terrors at work at the junior high school, then I have one week to get ready to go to Oklahoma with my parents for a family reunion.
This last week I ran into ( not literally , unfortunately) Linda Raney at the public Library. She is one of two people most responsible for my year-long leave from UCSB and my PTSD. Oh yay! i don't even know if she recognized me , but I did her, and made trax rather quickly. It is amazing how very white-hot angry I got -- how much I wanted to smash her face in ! so , I have had a recurence of symptoms lately
I am almost finished reading John Elder Robison's Look Me In the Eye about his Asperger's syndrome experiences--- it has been an entertaining read. I also finally watched "Lars and the Real Girl", which while okay , did not live up to the high hopes I had for it . I enjoyed "Juno" much more.
Have you ever felt like everyone else around you is moving forward -- getting married, having children, changing careers or houses, while you are just some hamster stuck in a wheel, going nowhere?? This is how I feel all the time. And I don't know if there is or what to do about it .
This last week I ran into ( not literally , unfortunately) Linda Raney at the public Library. She is one of two people most responsible for my year-long leave from UCSB and my PTSD. Oh yay! i don't even know if she recognized me , but I did her, and made trax rather quickly. It is amazing how very white-hot angry I got -- how much I wanted to smash her face in ! so , I have had a recurence of symptoms lately
I am almost finished reading John Elder Robison's Look Me In the Eye about his Asperger's syndrome experiences--- it has been an entertaining read. I also finally watched "Lars and the Real Girl", which while okay , did not live up to the high hopes I had for it . I enjoyed "Juno" much more.
Have you ever felt like everyone else around you is moving forward -- getting married, having children, changing careers or houses, while you are just some hamster stuck in a wheel, going nowhere?? This is how I feel all the time. And I don't know if there is or what to do about it .
Saturday, March 29, 2008
Bored, Bored, Bored!!
I am so bored right now that I have to be careful not to hit my head against the wall. I have tried to get in touch with numerous friends and acquaintances today , but I seem to be the only one home .
I wonder if I am the only one whose loneliness seems to threaten to consume her - this gaping maw of nothingness. How do others mediate their loneliness? Or is loneliness and boredom a luxury of an unfulfilling life? If I had children , I am sure I would not be bored. Heck, in a week when I go back to work , I will not be bored. But for now, there is a gnawing inside of me .
I wonder if I am the only one whose loneliness seems to threaten to consume her - this gaping maw of nothingness. How do others mediate their loneliness? Or is loneliness and boredom a luxury of an unfulfilling life? If I had children , I am sure I would not be bored. Heck, in a week when I go back to work , I will not be bored. But for now, there is a gnawing inside of me .
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