A Response to Sickness

Since last Tuesday afternoon, Jan 20, 2009, I have been in quite an amount of pain in the area of my liver/gallbladder. I went to the MD Thursday of that week, and he said we need to get the same sorts of tests that we did two years ago when I had the essentially same symptomatology, beginning with an ultrasound that I will undergo next Tues, Jan 27th and including a GI specialist consult on February 2nd.
When I went to church today, many people asked how I was. Now, first, and even in church, people don't want to hear how you really are , they are just wanting to hear the standard "good" so they can move on to dutifully greeting the next person. Second, if you try to let them know how you really are, which may be not too great, they will soon prove to you that they are not listening to you , but instead climbing frantically in reach for the next thing they themselves are going to say.
Anyway, one person whom I thought better than this response automaticity is my current pastor's wife. Awkwardly, she proved that she was at least half-heartedly in front of me and listening with one ear. Her response to my details, though, made me feel more lonely than I have felt in a very long time. That includes people's verious and sundry responses to my using a wheelchair due to CP.

She said to me: "How Strange!"

Not more, not less. And just like that, I felt like some gross, under-funded science experiment forgotten at the back of the refrigerator. If you ever find yourself on the responding end of a similar exchange, and are scrambling to be empathetic, might I suggest staying away from the phrase "How Strange!" Instead, give any of the following a try:

1. I'm sorry to hear that you are not feeling well (maybe add: Is there anything I can do to help?)
2. Would you allow me to pray for you ?
3. I'm sorry that you are in pain, but I sure am glad you made it here today

Basically , the gist is this: As much as you can muster it, listen with your heart. Strive to be as wholly present as possible for the time you are with a person. Try not to let the fear of "catching" something , or getting older, or being nominated for early practice with a wheelchair etc. distract you from your much harder, yet simple, task of listening.

My heart still feels burdened by today's interactions, but that is all I will write for now.

God Bless.

KirkyNews: Stand by me

KirkyNews: Stand by me

The Good Reverend Doctor

On July 29th, 2008, the good Rev. Dr. Lyle Hillegas died after having battled stomach cancer for the last two years. I feel guilty because I did not stay in very good touch with him since he retired from leading my college ministry, Front PORCH. When I heard he was sick, I wanted to send a card , but didn't , because I couldn't think of anything to say besides "Don't Die", and I was also in denial.
I also feel guilty because one time I said to him, only semi-teasing : "You had better not ever became disabled, because you won't be able to get around in your own house!" I was angry because everyone kept telling me about Lyle's beautiful house and lush gardens, and I could not get around to see anything. Even though my logical mind knows I did not call forth or hasten Lyle's descent into disability, I still wish I had not said such a thing.
And I wonder if , in the midst of his descent, he ever thought of me. I respected Lyle very much , and loved him even. But I did not feel as close to him as perhaps some other PORCHers did. I feel my disability--my physical experience of the world -- was something that kept us distinctly more distant from one another. Sometimes I could see a struggle in his eyes, a struggle to know how to connect, but I was too "shy" to discuss the difficulty with him, so that we could move past it together.
The memorial service will be this Wednesday , August 13. It will most likely be a frustrating experience in terms of the physically-inaccessible space, but it is important for me to be there. Grief is a funny thing in that it happens in waves . Typical me , I wish grief were more hurdle or mountain-like , rather than this bumpy, undulating road or wave.
At least it is comforting to think that Lyle has been called Home, in God's Perfect Timing, and now participates in a procession thousands of times bigger than the one for his beloved British queen! :)

Memorial Day Blues

Well, I had many things I had hoped to do and many people I had hoped to see this extended weekend, but that all went Kaput , so I have been by myself and not much enjoying it. About three more weeks to go with the Various Terrors at work at the junior high school, then I have one week to get ready to go to Oklahoma with my parents for a family reunion.

This last week I ran into ( not literally , unfortunately) Linda Raney at the public Library. She is one of two people most responsible for my year-long leave from UCSB and my PTSD. Oh yay! i don't even know if she recognized me , but I did her, and made trax rather quickly. It is amazing how very white-hot angry I got -- how much I wanted to smash her face in ! so , I have had a recurence of symptoms lately

I am almost finished reading John Elder Robison's Look Me In the Eye about his Asperger's syndrome experiences--- it has been an entertaining read. I also finally watched "Lars and the Real Girl", which while okay , did not live up to the high hopes I had for it . I enjoyed "Juno" much more.

Have you ever felt like everyone else around you is moving forward -- getting married, having children, changing careers or houses, while you are just some hamster stuck in a wheel, going nowhere?? This is how I feel all the time. And I don't know if there is or what to do about it .

Bored, Bored, Bored!!

I am so bored right now that I have to be careful not to hit my head against the wall. I have tried to get in touch with numerous friends and acquaintances today , but I seem to be the only one home .
I wonder if I am the only one whose loneliness seems to threaten to consume her - this gaping maw of nothingness. How do others mediate their loneliness? Or is loneliness and boredom a luxury of an unfulfilling life? If I had children , I am sure I would not be bored. Heck, in a week when I go back to work , I will not be bored. But for now, there is a gnawing inside of me .

Nothing Has Changed

So I tried using this forum before to log some of my thoughts and feelings, but then I left it and deleted the first blog. I am trying again, because my friends have some blogs on this site, and I am jumping on the bandwagon. Nothing in my profile has changed. Not much in my life has changed. I guess that can be seen as a good thing, though that is not my first instinct. I think we'll just see how it goes...